No Matter How Hard It Gets
by x snow-pony x
Summary: Tracy and Mike story. Tracy begins to get upset, going downhill all the time. Will Mike be able to help her? And will she finally be happy again? TRUE STORY OF WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME OVER THE PAST 2 YEARS.
1. The Beginning

**A/N I was thinking of doing another Tracy/Mike one-shot (because who wouldn't want to?), but I couldn't think of an idea. Then I had a good idea, but I don't think a one-shot will do it justice, so I'm going to do a multi-chapter fic. I hope you like it.**

**This will be from Tracy POV unless it says otherwise.**

I remember that day so clearly. I'd had a manic day at work, with the kids running riot all day. I was exhausted, and when I got home all I wanted to do was go to sleep. But I knew I had to cook dinner, as Cam was going to be late. I got something out of the fridge (I was so tired I didn't even see what it was) and began to cook it. When it was done I ate mine, and left Cam's in the oven so it would stay warm. I'd just finished when Cam walked in.

"Hey Tracy," she said as she came through the door. "Have you had dinner?"

"Yes," I called back. "Yours is in the oven."

"Thanks," said Cam, coming into the kitchen. She opened the oven and a look of shock came over her face.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"You've used the fish I was going to make fishcakes with to take to work tomorrow," she said, taking her dinner out of the oven. "And you've burnt it!"

I looked at the tray and saw some fish covered in black crumbs.

"Cam, I'm so sorry," I said. "I'm so tired I didn't pay attention to what I was doing, I'll get you some more fish tomorrow morning..."

"I need it tonight!" said Cam. "I needed that fish! Oh Tracy!"

"I'm sorry, Cam, I really am," I said.

"You need to be a bit more than sorry!" said Cam. "We've got a new boss tomorrow, I'm sick with worry as it is, and I was going to take them, as everyone's taking something, and now I can't. Why couldn't you have just paid more attention, Tracy Beaker?!"

And then I lost it. I was already exhausted and feeling fed up; I didn't need Cam having a go at me as well.

"I didn't mean to!" I shouted. "I'm absolutely shattered, and I was trying my best. I've offered to make it up to you but you won't accept it!"

And then Cam got angry.

"Don't you talk to me like that!" she said. "I've had a hard day too, and I had a really long meeting this afternoon. You only had to cook dinner. Is it really that hard?"

"It is when you're as tired as I am!" I shouted.

"I don't want to hear your excuses!" said Cam. "Well, if you're that tired, you can go to bed."

"Fine, I will!" I said.

I went to my bedroom and closed the door behind me. Why was Cam so angry with me? I'd only made a simple mistake, and I hadn't done it on purpose. I decided to get ready for bed as quickly as I could, and hopefully Cam wouldn't be as angry at me in the morning. I got changed, cleaned my teeth, and then went back to my bedroom. As I closed the door I leant on it too heavily, and it slammed. I held my breath, hoping Cam wouldn't have heard.

I was just about to get into bed when she came storming into the room.

"Why did you just slam your door?" she asked angrily.

"I didn't," I said. "I just closed it a bit hard, that's all."

Cam sighed. "Tracy, I'm not listening to your excuses. It was like this when you were a child, you always answering back. I've had enough of it. Just go to bed."

"But I didn't do anything!" I protested.

"Stop arguing with me!" Cam shouted. "I know what you did, even though you won't admit it. Now just go to bed! Goodnight!"

And with that she left the room, closing the door behind her.

I stood up, fear building up inside me. Cam had never been angry with me before, not like that anyway, especially when I hadn't done anything wrong. My body went into shock, I went towards the wall and put my hand against it, before I half knelt, half fell to the floor. My breathing began to speed up, and I put my spare hand on my chest, feeling my pounding heartbeat.

"I..." I said, before I had to draw breath. "I..."

I wanted to say that I hadn't slammed the door, tell myself that I'd done nothing wrong, but I couldn't. Instead I said it in my head, and then tried to work what was happening to me. I'd seen TV shows where people were unable to breathe, like I was now, and they were told they were having a panic attack. I assumed that was what was happening to me. Unfortunately, even though I now knew what it was, I still didn't know what to do to stop it. I imagined Mike comforting me, as he often did when I was upset. This helped calm my brain, but I still couldn't control my breathing.

After a few minutes, my breathing finally slowed down. I took a few deep breaths in and out, tears beginning to roll down my cheeks. Why had that happened? I didn't usually react like that when someone got angry with me; I usually shouted back.

I was just catching my breath when suddenly my breathing sped up again. I leant against the wall, more tears rolling down my cheeks, as I struggled to get my breathing.

After a minute or so my breathing came back to normal again, and I stayed on the floor for another minute before shakily getting to my feet. More tears made their way down my cheeks, and I got into bed, my head spinning. I knew what had happened, but my knowledge ended there. I didn't know the reason, and I didn't know why Cam had got so angry with me in the first place. I lay down in bed for a while, and eventually cried myself to sleep...

* * *

The next morning I got up and went to Elm Tree House, avoiding Cam completely. When I got there I went into the office, put my stuff down, and then sat at the desk, not feeling like doing anything at all, let alone a day at work. I jumped when Mike knelt down beside me.

"Are you OK, Tracy?" he asked, looking at me in concern.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I replied.

Mike seemed to have bought my lie and sat at the other desk, doing some paperwork. I then got up and went to the living room to see who was in there.

* * *

Harry was the only one in the living room, playing with Jeff. I sat down on the sofa, and a tear rolled down my cheek. Harry obviously noticed, and came over to me.

"Jeff will cheer you up," he said, brushing Jeff's face against my cheek.

I smiled stroking Jeff, although a few more tears rolled down my cheeks. When I was OK again, I thanked Harry, and Jeff, and then left the living room.

* * *

The rest of the day went OK, well, as well as it could considering the circumstances, but I didn't want to go home that evening. I stayed away from Cam all night, only seeing her at dinner (where she moaned about the fish again). I wanted to tell someone about what had happened last night, but I thought Cam would be angry, and whoever I told would probably tell her, so I decided it was better if I kept it to myself. I went to bed that night feeling miserable, and eventually fell asleep, not realising that yesterday was the last time I would have been happy for a very long time...

**A/N Hope you liked this first chapter. Please review. :-)**


	2. Telling

**A/N I have nothing to do tonight, and I know what's going to happen in this story, so I thought I might as well write some more. Hope you like it. :-)**

**Thanks to Linneagb for reviewing, and for your idea. Also thanks to definitelynotme (don't ask) and Ellie-Mae for reviewing. :-)**

3 months later:

The panic attack had been playing on my mind constantly for weeks. I kept wanting to tell someone what had happened, but I was too scared, as I didn't want Cam finding out. But, after three months, I decided that I should tell somebody. And straight away I knew who that person would be.

Mike.

I didn't want to tell him: I might miss stuff out or start crying or something. Instead I wrote him a letter:

_Dear Mike,_

_This is something I should have told you months ago, but I never had the courage to. I should have told you this when it happened, on 11th April, the night I had a panic attack..._

_Me and Cam had been arguing about something, I can't even remember what it was now. I decided to go to bed as quickly and as quietly as possible, and in the morning we would have forgotten about it and everything would have been OK. However, I was so tired that I leant on my door as I was shutting it and accidentally slammed it. Cam came in and started moaning at me. I said I hadn't done it on purpose, and then she shouted at me, saying that I was lying, and then left._

_And that's when my body went into shock._

_I leant against a wall, and half knelt, half fell to the floor. My breathing sped up and my heart began to pound rapidly in my chest. This went on for a few minutes before I could breathe again. I then started crying, before I got up off the floor, went to bed, and cried myself to sleep._

_Please don't tell Cam. I'll tell you why I don't want you to tell her, and I'll let you if you have to, but please don't tell her before you've talked to me._

_Thank you for reading this. It's a huge weight off my shoulders and I feel a lot better now than I did._

_Tracy Beaker._

I folded it up, put his name on the front, and then put it in my bag, ready to take to work the next day.

* * *

The next morning I walked through the door of Elm Tree House and saw Mike coming out of the office. I began to look in my bag for the letter and Mike stopped, looking at me. I found it and put it in his hand.

"I've got a letter for you," I said.

"Thank you," said Mike. He put it in his pocket and then went towards the kitchen.

I turned around, went back out through the door, and into the garden.

* * *

Mike POV

I took Tracy's letter and went down to the kitchen. I then sat at the table, unfolded it, and read through it. As I read, I wished that she'd told me sooner, and hadn't let it eat away at her for so long. I now realised why Tracy had been a bit distant lately, as she'd been thinking things over over and over again. I was glad she'd told me now, as now I could help her, make her happy again. As I'd walked off I'd seen Tracy out of the corner of my eye, turning around and going back out of the front door. I went out of the back door and then went to look for her in the garden.

* * *

Tracy POV

I was sitting on the car seats when Mike came to find me. I looked at him anxiously as he approached, hoping he wouldn't be angry with me.

When he sat down, he took my hand and smiled at me reassuringly.

"Well done," he said, "you've done the right thing."

I breathed a shaky sigh of relief.

"Take some deep breaths," said Mike.

I looked the floor, took some deep breaths in and out, and then looked up at Mike.

"You were right in your letter," he began. "What happened to you was a panic attack."

I nodded.

"And when you had your panic attack, how did you feel?" asked Mike.

"I was scared, I didn't know what I'd done wrong to deserve Cam shouting at me like that, and I didn't know how to stop it, my pounding heart, my rapid breath..." I told him. "I was just so scared."

"The first one's always the worst," said Mike, smiling at me reassuringly. "People are often scared when they have a panic attack," he said. "But there are things you can do to stop it."

"Like what?" I asked.

"Like concentrating on your breathing," said Mike. If you concentrate on breathing in, then out, in, then out, it helps to stop it."

I nodded.

He leaned slightly closer to me. "Shall I tell you a secret?"

I nodded.

"I've had them as well." Mike looked at me, smiling reassuringly.

I smiled back and breathed a sigh of relief: I'd come to the right person by telling Mike.

"You do need to tell Cam though," said Mike.

I tensed up slightly. "I don't want to."

"Well, it'd be better coming from you than from me," said Mike.

"I don't want her to know," I said.

"She needs to know though," said Mike. He gave me a reassuring smile. "Tell you what, you tell her tonight and then tell me how it went tomorrow."

I swallowed: I didn't want to tell Cam but there was no way of getting out of it. "OK."

Mike smiled at me.

I sat there, not wanting to have to go. "I feel really weird."

"That's because you've just got something off your chest," Mike explained.

We sat there a bit longer, before Mike said that we should go.

"You can always come to me if there's anything wrong," said Mike, standing up. "And remember to tell me how it goes with Cam tonight."

"I will," I said. "And thank you, Mike, for helping me."

Mike smiled at me before we both walked away. As I walked I had a huge smile on my face: I had told someone about the panic attack, and it felt great. OK, I had to tell Cam, but I didn't have to think about that now.

I'd told Mike about my first panic attack, and it would hopefully be the last.

Little did I know that this was just the beginning...

**A/N Hope you liked it. Hopefully you've seen in the description that this is a true story, as I wasn't sure whether to put it in at first but then decided that I should. There will be a thank you note for the people who helped me through this time (anyone who has given me a nice review or pm is in this category) on my profile soon, so please go read it. :-) Also, please review! :-D**


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